


Reaching Blindly

by dip_the_pip



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Dan and Phil are Married, Drug Use, M/M, Postpartum Depression, dan and phil are parents, implied thoughts of suicide, past death of infant, post-adoption depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-12-27 23:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21127094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dip_the_pip/pseuds/dip_the_pip
Summary: Dan's struggling more with the change of parenthood





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In highschool, my "parenting" teacher was very thorough with giving birth naturally or adopting. Her daughters were adopted, and she spoke about her struggles with something she compared to postpartum depression. After going to therapy and doing her own research, she realized there's something called post-adoption depression and since it's less talked about, adoptive parents often struggle in silence. Then when I went to college for Early Childhood Education, you learn all about pregnancy and adoption and I learned more about it in college too. Anyways this is just a long way of me saying this is about Dan struggling with post-adoption depression.

The baby is screaming, crying and crying…

Phil rolls over in bed, blindly reaching over to the other side of the bed in search for his partner. All he finds is empty space. He cracks his eyes open, they’re heavy with sleep and blurry by nature, damn glasses. The pillow is empty, but it wasn’t recently laid on. Where his loves head would usually rest, the pillow has puffed out to its regular form. Dan hasn’t been here recently, but why is the baby still crying…

He rubs his eyes and sits up, feeling a little dizzy as he reaches out for his glasses on the nightstand. These days he’s mostly given up on contacts, he hasn’t gone to get his prescription filled since a few months before the baby came. Dan had them running ‘baby drills’ at night, setting alarms at different times to train themselves to get up for the new life coming into their home. Quickly, Phil had realized grabbing his glasses was much more efficient than spending a few minutes putting contacts in. So, no more contacts.

Hair dye was out of the question, too. His mousy brown hair growing in quickly, leaving just the tips of his hair a dark black colour, that Phil tries to remind himself to ask Dan to trim off.

He grabs his phone last and turns on the torch before stumbling through the messy bedroom. Laundry was another thing on the long list of things they had given up on. Anytime the baby is napping midday, if Dan’s not napping, too, he’s buying themselves more clothes online. It’s nice having a new wardrobe all the time even though no one sees it, and it’s nice having a wardrobe designed by Dan. He had always loved clothes and fashion, but he was strict on not wanting to ‘seem gay’ before they had come out in 2019.

Gosh, that was so long ago now…

But now they’re out, now they’re married and have their baby.

Their baby…that is still screaming. Why is she screaming, where is Dan and why is he not doing anything about her screaming her head off?

Phil stumbles across the flat, no sign of Dan at all. He quietly pushes his daughters’ door open and goes over to the crib where the distressed 6-month old is. He grabs a soft purple blankie than his Auntie Roz had knitted for her and wraps it around her little body. He scoops her up and cradles her to his chest, kissing the soft blond tuff of hair on the top of her head. He shushes her softly, holding her to his chest and breathing deeply.

Dan had bought them every parenting book and signed them up for every parenting class within London, and really the only knowledge Phil had maintained was how to change a diaper, how to feed the baby, and how to calm with deep breathing. He learned the last one on his own, just with his experience with Dan. One of the first nights after they had brought her home, she was crying and running a fever. Dan ran around the apartment calling other friends that are parents, and Mama Kath of course. While Dan panicked, Phil held his little girl close, cradling her against his chest and breathing deeply. Turns out she’s a lot more like her Papa than Dan thinks she is.

Phil manages to calm her down to hiccup’s before he slips the pacifier into her mouth. He’s glad they decided to use Phil’s old Lava Lamp as a night light in her room as he lays her on the changing table. It’s bright enough for him to be able to change a diaper without needing to turn the overhead light on and wake her and himself up more, and it was just far enough away that she could watch it and get distracted but not reach out and knock it over.

Many nights Phil has spent in the rocking chair his dad had made tucked in the corner of her room, holding her so she could watch the Lava Lamp blob, blob, blob until she drifted back to sleep.

After a quick diaper change, Phil carries her to the kitchen with him as he goes about making her a bottle. That was the hardest part for Dan’s mum to come to terms with. She was very pro-breastfeeding, and she was certain that their baby wouldn’t survive on formula. That had sent Dan into panic for weeks. Phil knows Karen means well, but sometimes he doesn’t understand how she doesn’t know her son at all.

Thankfully, Cornelia offered to watch her every other Wednesday afternoon, so Dan could start going back to therapy and Phil could take a nap. Most nights Cornelia and Martyn would keep her late into the evening, so Dan also had a chance to catch up on sleep and…whatever else makes them happy. Martyn’s certain they go at it like rabbits, but Cornelia has her bets on them just laying in bed with more takeaway than they can handle.

Phil walks over to the couch with the warmed bottle and puts the nipple to her mouth, making sure she latches before letting his head tilt back against the couch and his eyes fall shut. He had taken to being a father better than he expected, considering he hasn’t dropped her yet. Bottles and dirty diapers don’t count. What counts is that he hasn’t dropped her.

She drinks most of her bottle before pushing it away with her lips and whining softly. Phil tucks the bottle between couch cushions and props her on his shoulder and burps her, before the sudden realization that he doesn’t know where Dan is, fills his mind again.

He’s walked through most of the flat and hasn’t seen any sign of him. Phil didn’t think to check to see if Dan’s phone was still plugged in before running out to care for their daughter.

Once she’s let out a few soft burps, he bundles her up in the blankie again and rocks her slowly until she drifts back to sleep.

He drops a soft kiss to her forehead before getting up and taking her back to her bedroom. He lays her down in the crib and unbundles her from the blanket. He folds it up and tosses it onto the rocking chair before turning back to make sure she was still soundly asleep. He reaches in to rub her back slowly, listening closely to the soft sounds of her breathing.

He quietly leaves her room and goes off to find Dan. He goes back to their bedroom and checks Dan’s bedside table, seeing his matte black phone still plugged in. He pokes his head into their ensuite bathroom and their walk-in closet just to make sure he’s not tucked away hiding there.

He leaves the bedroom and checks the other bathroom in the apartment before a bad feeling filled his gut. He broke out into a run, running upstairs to the other lounge and over to the sliding glass door. He pulls it open and steps out into the chilly London night, his bare feet against the concrete of their balcony.

Phil only has to take a few steps out before he sees Dan standing at the railing. Not looking like he’s going to do anything, or even really looking like he’s entirely there. Phil takes a few steps closer before gently grabbing Dan’s wrist. He didn’t want to spook him, but he wasn’t risking this.

It wasn’t the first time, but it has been a while since Phil last found Dan out here. It was on her 3-month birthday. Both of their mum’s and Phil’s dad had came to celebrate with them, and all Karen had been able to talk about was how the baby was already behind in her milestones. She was a preemie, Phil and Dan knew that, they knew she wasn’t going to reach the developmental milestones as fast as some other babies, at least not right away. So, Karen was disappointed when she laid on the floor with the baby and realized she hadn’t learned how to roll over yet.

Karen blamed it on the formula, Dan blamed it on himself, and Phil couldn’t bring himself to blame it on anyone. Their surrogate mother was healthy, their baby was healthy, sometimes things just happen and it’s no one’s fault. His own mum had held him as they watched the baby asleep in the crib. She had whispered to stay strong, that these things just happen sometimes, every baby is different. Phil knew that, and it was nice to hear the reassurance from her. It was harder to convince Karen and Dan of that, though.

Phil tugs on Dan’s wrist, and he turns around with ease. Dan stares at him with tired, dark, miserable eyes. They’re red, and Phil hopes it’s from crying, but by the skunk-like smell, Phil guesses Dan went back to an old coping mechanism.

Phil pulls him away from the railing, away from the edge of their penthouse apartment, and into his arms. Dan moves easily, letting his head drop into Phil’s neck, where their daughter had been cradled against earlier when she was being burped. Dan lets out a broken sob, almost trying to fight against Phil’s grasp before giving in and falling into him harder.

“I-I can’t love her…”

Phil’s heart shatters. That’s a new one.

_I can’t feed her, I can’t change her, I can’t calm her,_ those he’s heard before, but not that Dan was incapable of loving her.

Phil shakes his head and holds him tighter, taking them both a few more steps away from the edge. His feet are freezing, but it’s nothing compared to the coldness of Dan’s bare chest and arms.

Slowly, he manages to get them both inside and onto the couch.

He’s got the big grey throw blanket wrapped around Dan’s shivering body as he runs his fingers through the wind-blown curls atop his head.

“What…What do you mean you can’t love her?” Phil asks quietly into the darkness of the lounge.

Dan shrugs weakly, sniffling. “I-I just can’t…she doesn’t…this is so stupid, but she doesn’t feel like she’s my baby…”

“That makes no sense-”

“Yeah, I fucking know that,” Dan snaps, sitting up and wrapping his arms around himself. “But she’s not my baby. That’s not my daughter.” He shakes his head, wiping his nose with the blanket. “I can’t love Penelope…”

Phil knows Dan doesn’t realize how harsh he’s being, but it still hurts. He reaches out slowly and rubs his back. “Why can’t you love Penny?”

Dan shakes his head more, staring up at the ceiling and sniffling. “We gotta give her back, Phil…”

“Dan, no. Please, you’re being ridicul-”

“No, I’m not, Phil. Fucking stop. We can’t keep her. I can’t keep her. I can’t care for this tiny human that I feel no connection to. You fell in love the moment you saw her, same with your brother and Cornelia. Everyone who has met her, loves her. I can’t. I’ve tried. I’ve pretended to, hoping that maybe-” Dan sobs hard, curling into himself as he talks more quietly, his voice crackling, “-maybe I could fake loving her until I did love her,”

Phil pulls him close again, and Dan doesn’t fight against him.

“Phil, I…I can’t love her…”

Phil shakes his head, closing his eyes. “You can…We’ll talk to your doctor about going back on meds o-or something, okay? We’ll figure this out together, we can…we will.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all so much for all the positive feedback from the first part <3  
figured I'd give a little part 2!

Penny was sent to spend a few days with her Auntie Corn and Uncle Mart while her dad’s…figured out how to be dads. Well, just Dan.

Marriage counselling, regular therapy, and now a hospital-directed therapist to help him with his “postpartum”. Dan knows that’s bullshit. There’s no way he could experience…that. Penelope didn’t come from him. He didn’t birth her. How could he be experiencing postpartum when he was never even pregnant?

So, Dan decides it’s bullshit, but plays along anyways.

Phil will barely look at him anymore. He says everything’s okay, that their family isn’t falling apart, that their marriage isn’t crumbling before them, but Phil’s never had a broken family. Dan has years of experience on Phil, and he can admit to himself that everything is falling apart.

All because Phil can’t understand that he doesn’t love Phil’s daughter. Phil hasn’t even tried to understand things from Dan’s perspective. Does Dan even know what his perspective is?

His main therapist tells him that he should take time for himself, relearn who “Dan Howell-Lester” is.

His postpartum therapist tells him the opposite. He should be putting everything into learning how to be a good parent for the infant back in his flat. He should be holding her and trying to bond with her, as if he hasn’t already tried that.

Instead, Dan does what he does best.

Avoid.

Avoids the internet, avoids his friends, avoids his family, avoids his husband.

Avoids Penelope.

Phil hasn’t slept in their bed in days, either. He’s been spending his nights on the couch where he’d usually lay to feed Penelope, or on the futon.

Many nights spent ruining his spine just because he refuses to try and understand Dan.

Dan knows he should feel guilty, but he doesn’t. Just like he doesn’t feel guilty about not loving Penelope.

He’s in the kitchen making a cup of coffee when he hears Phil rustling around the lounge, then the sound of a zipper. Dan turns to see him as he enters the kitchen. He stares at him with wide eyes, not expecting to see Dan in the kitchen anytime before noon.

His usually quiffed up hair is still wet from a recent shower, and drooping over his forehead, reminding Dan of a simpler time. A time when they were a secret, when there was no marriage or kids or huge commitments. Phil’s hair is no where near as long as when it was when they first met, but it’s a sweet reminder.

He’s got his light blue denim jacket on and a backpack thrown over his shoulder, and still a spooked look in his eyes. “Morning,”

“Morning,” Dan mumbles back, sipping on his coffee. It’s scalding, but it’s no where near as painful as the tension in the room.

“I’m heading out,” Phil walks past him and to the front closet, grabbing a pair of shoes and slipping them on.

“Where?” Dan leans against the counter, watching Phil. Warmth fills his chest when he sees the quick flash of the overhead light shine off of the band on Phil’s finger.

Most days, neither of them wore their rings. Usually because they’re both too clumsy or fidgety or forgetful. That’s technically Phil’s third ring. First one he lost days after the wedding. They were on their honeymoon in Portugal, and they were on a boat trip. A softly lit night cruise, with nice red wine and music. Unfortunately, Phil had a few too many wines and in the middle of a story with intense gesturing, let’s just say the ring ended up at the bottom of the ocean.

Second ring…Dan likes to pretend that one didn’t happen. It was gross and nasty and that one probably ended up in the ocean too.

Still, unless it’s a red carpet or they’re filming a video, they won’t wear the rings now, so seeing Phil wearing it makes Dan feel good.

Phil leans down to tie up his laces as he shrugs. “Out. Shops, coffee, I dunno. I’m just heading out.”

Dan nods a little, this time blowing softly on his coffee before taking another sip. “Have fun,” he says as Phil pulls the door open. “Marriage counselling at 2pm,”

Phil pauses and stares off into space, as if going over a list in his mind. “Can’t actually make it today. Lunch reservations with a friend. Sorry, I forgot.” He says quickly before closing the door behind him loudly.

Dan stares at the closed door for a few minutes before letting himself sink down to the kitchen floor, setting his mug down next to him and pulling his knees to his chest. He pulls his phone from his pyjama pants pocket and texts Bryony.

_u seeing phil today? -D_

_no y -B_

_come over and day drink with me? -D_

_be right over bb -B_

-

“Wait, the baby isn’t even staying here anymore?”

Dan shakes his head, sipping the cheap, super sweet wine that Bryony brought over. “No. She’s staying with Martyn and Cornelia.”

Bryony pouts and reaches across the couch to rub his arm. “I’m really sorry, darling. Whereabouts is Phil?”

Dan shrugs, shaking his head and sniffling. “Good question,” He mumbles bitterly. “Said shops, said coffee, said he had lunch plans with a mate. So really, who fucking knows. Could be becoming one with a goose in Hyde Park by now.”

Bryony snorts and finishes off her glass before pouring herself more. “You don’t think he’s…like, seeing someone, do you?”

“No,” Dan shakes his head, taking a deep breath and shaking his head again. “No, definitely not. That’s not something Phil would do. He’s like, disgusted by cheaters.”

“Still…”

“It’s not in Phil’s character to cheat. That’s just…that’s not who he is. It’s not how he copes with things.”

Bryony nods a bit, reaching out to hold Dan’s hand and comfort him. “Wanna rewatch glee?”

Dan raises his eyebrow. “Was it not trashy enough for you the first time you watched it?”

“It’s so perfectly trashy, I think it’s needed at a time like this.”

Dan laughs softly, nodding a bit and squeezing her hand. “Yeah, sure. Let’s do it.”

-

“Have you given anymore thought about what you want to do?”

Phil shakes his head, twisting the ring around his finger. “I can’t…I can’t leave him. But I can’t give her up either…”

“Why are you here with me and not at your marriage counselling?”

Phil shrugs, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes. “If I knew I’d give you an answer.”

“When’s the last time he saw her?”

“I dunno…nearly a week ago, maybe?”

“And you?”

Phil sniffles, staring up at the ceiling. “Two days ago…”

“You really miss her, don’t you?”

“So, so much. She’s…she’s our daughter. Our little princess.” Phil wipes his eyes hastily. “I’m going to see her after this. All I want is to bring her home, though…”

“Why can’t you?”

“That won’t help Dan. It’ll just make things harder on him. He doesn’t want to see her right now.”

“But Phil, what if he never wants to see her again? Can you live like that?”

Phil feels his own arms wrap around himself as he shrugs. “He’s getting help. He’ll love her again. It’ll be okay.”

“If you really believed that, you wouldn’t be here with me.”

-

Bryony leaves after a few hours and a few episodes of glee, claiming the trashiness exhausted her, and that she needs to go nap off the wine headache.

So, Dan’s left by himself again.

No texts or calls from Phil, and no texts or calls from anyone he’s particularly interested in hearing from. He goes into their bedroom and digs around his closet before pulling out a small box. He opens it and grabs one of the joints, and the sparkly purple lighter.

He grabs a big throw blanket and drapes it around himself like a cape before going out onto their balcony overlooking the city. He sits on the cute little couch they got with a furniture set and bundles up more in the blanket, protecting himself from the London breeze. He lights up the joint before he inhales deeply, feeling the burn of smoke filling his lungs and the immediate headrush.

He lets the smoke float up into the sky as he exhales. Phil was never a fan of weed, but there has been a few times Phil’s agreed to smoke up with him. That was back in Manchester, though. Even Dan had mostly stopped when they made their big move. They were so busy with the BBC and YouTube taking off, Dan started riding the high of life. What goes up, has to come down, of course. Coming out was a big up, getting married was a big up, having Penelope…was supposed to be a big up, but Dan guesses that’s why having here feels like such a drop. It doesn’t fill him with the same rush and passion as doing live comedy or other live events, having her doesn’t fill him with the same warmth as it does when he stares into Phil’s eyes and tells him how much he loves him.

He’s about halfway through with his joint when his phone starts vibrating next to him. He reaches for it and answers it, barely giving a glance at the contact ID.

“Hey Phil-,”

“I’m bringing her home.”

“Excuse me?”

“I…I can’t live without her any longer, Dan. She’s coming home with me. So, either you need to be okay with that, or go somewhere else. This is her home. This is her family. She needs us.”

“Martyn and Cornelia are her family too,” Dan mumbles.

“Penny doesn’t need her Aunt and Uncle. She needs her dads. That’s me and you.”

“You mean that’s you.”

“Dan-”

“Phil, I told you I can’t be a dad…”

Dan can hear Phil taking deep breaths, and the soft babbles of Penelope in the background.

“Whether you like it or not, Dan, this is your daughter. Our daughter. We agreed to raise her. To _love_ her. You’ve…You have wanted kids for as long as we’ve been together. Now we have our own. We have a baby that needs us to love her and care for her and protect her. How are we meant to do that when you don’t even want to acknowledge she exists?”

He finishes the joint and tosses the butt into a nearby rain-filled watering can before curling into himself more. “I don’t know what to tell you, Phil…”

The line is silent for a few moments, except for the sound of London below Dan, and the soft sounds of Penelope on the other end.

“She’s coming home.”

And then the call ends.

Dan holds the phone to his ear for a few more moments before getting up and heading back inside. Least he can do is get out of Phil way when he comes home.

-

He hears the keys jingling in the door, and then the sound of Phil’s soft voice as he talks to Penelope.

Then he hears her babbles. Her cheerful, happy mumbling, as if she has no idea how cruel the world really is.

Dan closes their bedroom door quietly as he hears Phil carrying her upstairs towards her own bedroom. Then he hears her door close.

He goes to climb into bed, his head still fuzzy from the weed earlier on. He stares at the ceiling, feeling the emptiness eating him from within, before he hears Phil’s gentle voice over the baby monitor.

“Daddy’s just taking a nap, princess,” He hears his husband say. “Just like it’s almost nap time for you too,”

He hears rustling over the baby monitor, before soft humming coming from Phil. He can picture it in his head, Phil swaying around the room with her, calming her, changing her diaper, changing her into a cute little onesie, putting her short, silky hair in a tiny little ponytail on the top of her head, and then singing to her soft in the rocking chair.

It was like a routine for Phil. Phil, who knew what he was doing. Phil, who’s an amazing father…

Dan grabs the baby monitor from Phil’s bedside table and lays it on the pillow next to him, listening to his husband singing softly to his daughter.

Their daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @dip-the-pip


	3. Chapter 3

Phil looks up to see Dan standing at the doorway. Penny is clutched to his own chest, snoozing away softly as he rocks in the chair. “What?” He whispers, gently pulling the blankie up over her ear.

Dan swallows thickly, his eyes trained on the baby in Phil’s arms. “I’m…I’m broken. I’m depressed. I’m a horrible father and a shitty husband. I don’t know how…” he steadies himself against the door frame, closing his eyes and taking a deep, calming breath. “I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know if I can be fixed.”

Phil lets his eyes drift back to Penny, her cheeks a soft rosy red. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m broken, but that doesn’t mean I want to stop trying.” Dan sniffles softly, leaning against the door frame and gazing over at his partner. “I don’t know how to even begin trying to fix myself, though.”

Phil looks back up at him, letting his eyes trace up and down his long frame. “I want you to love her…”

Dan steps into the room more, stopping on her fuzzy white rug. He feels the twists of the carpet going between his toes, and he wiggles them, maybe because he likes the feeling, or maybe because it’s a way to keep himself grounded. “That’s a lot to ask.”

“It shouldn’t be, though. We’ve had years leading up to getting her. Medical histories, home checks, criminal checks, thousands and thousands of pounds all for her. To decorate her room, to support her mum and pay for her medical bills and medication, for diapers and bottles and formula. Don’t you remember how painful it was the first time?” Phil looks down at Penny, kissing her forehead gently. He kept his eyes on her as he kept talking softly. “When a mum had picked us. We were meant to bring home our little boy, our little Evan.”

Dan wraps his arms around his middle. Of course he remembers Evan, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget the deep, dark brown eyes that stared up at him they first got called to the hospital for him. Painfully long months waiting for their son, only to get a brief few hours with him. He was a preemie too, much like Penelope. He was a baby to a girl that couldn’t have been more than 16. They only met her twice. First time when she wanted to make sure her baby was going to a safe and loving home, and second time at the hospital after they all lost their baby.

Dan wasn’t meant to go see her, but he couldn’t help it. She was a child herself, she needed someone. So, after the nurses pronounced him, Dan went into her hospital room and held her. He held the crying, scared, heartbroken teen who lost her baby only mere hours after he took his first breath.

She had no other family; she had been living on the streets when she got pregnant. When they first met her, she was staying with friends, couch surfing and jumping from home to home. Dan couldn’t stand watching her struggle, so they got her a flat. Nothing fancy, a small little one-bedroom on the outskirts of the city. Besides all the medical bills, they agreed to pay her rent for a year. If she wanted to stay, she could renew the lease herself. They had figured a year would be enough time to help her get back on her feet.

But even then, who can get back on their feet when they’re completely alone and lost a baby.

So, Dan held her, wiped her tears. Ran his fingers through her short, black curls as she sobbed over the little angel she never got to love or see be loved by the men who were supposed to take him home.

“Evan and Penelope aren’t the same.” Dan shakes his head. “Evan…he didn’t get a chance.”

“But you loved him, didn’t you?”

“Yeah…”

“Only after a few hours, you loved him.”

Dan shrugs, staring at the floor.

“Then why can’t it be the same with Penny?”

Dan shakes his head. “Don’t have an answer for you…”

-

The following three months are exhausting for both men. Phil finally tells Dan he’s seeing his own therapist, they finally commit to seeing the couple’s therapist, and actually attend their appointments, and Dan goes back on medication. Phil’s therapist start’s him on a low-dose medication to help with his anxiety, just for a little while so he can properly adjust to being there for his husband and his daughter.

They attend family counselling too. It’s harder having Penelope there with them, but it’s a reminder for why they’re doing this, why Dan’s trying to become a great dad. He already is an amazing dad, Phil reminds him constantly, but Dan doesn’t believe it himself yet.

He was afraid to love Penelope. Afraid the cruel world was going to take her away from them like it did with Evan. His therapist helped him accept that it wasn’t bad to be afraid of losing her, but that he shouldn’t let that come between their relationship. He needed to be present, to love her, to accept her, to help her.

To protect her from the cruel and horrible world and help her grow into an amazing, loving, compassionate person.

It’s hard and scary to have that kind of responsibility, to be responsible for an entire little being who will one day be her own person. They could mess up so easily. His parents messed him up, how does he know he isn’t going to mess her up too?

-

Dan goes out for a little while one afternoon when Penny’s put down for a nap. He takes his phone, which is always a good sign. Phil knows he should clean up a bit, maybe do some dishes or laundry, but all he can bring himself to do is flop down on the couch and fall fast asleep.

He wakes up to the smell of something spicy and delicious.

Phil walks into the kitchen to see Dan there, much to his surprise. He wasn’t expecting him back anytime soon, yet here he is, in the kitchen, cheeks tinted red from the London chill, unpacking takeaway containers.

“Hey,” Phil says softly, leaning against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest and offering him a small smile. “Smells good,”

Dan jumps a little but turns to face him. “Yeah. Picked up some Indian food on the way home.”

Phil walks in more and goes over to him, grabbing his hands and holding them both between them, giving them a gentle squeeze before pulling him closer and kissing him softly. “Thanks,” he mumbles softly.

Dan kisses back gently, “Of course,” he mumbles back against his lips, pulling him closer. He feels Phil’s hands let go of his hands, and his arms snake around his waist to hold Dan against himself.

Dan melts into him, laying his head on his shoulder and sighing deeply. “I’m trying…”

Phil gives him another squeeze as Dan’s arm wrap around him too, leaning most of his weight against him. “I know you are. I know.” He rubs circles across his back slowly. “Set up the food in the lounge? Penny’s gonna need a bottle.”

Dan hesitates for a second, and Phil can feel him tensing up before nodding a little. “Maybe…I could warm up the bottle for her?”

Phil pulls away, holding Dan so he can stare into his eyes. He kisses him softly, reaching up with one hand to hold his cheek while his other hand traces his ribs with his fingertips. He pulls away and leans his forehead against Dan’s, closing his eyes. “That’d be really great, love. I’ll go change her. Thank you,”

Dan takes a deep breath before stepping back. “Just trying to do my part,” He says quietly, turning away from Phil.

Phil stands there staring at the back of him for a moment as he steps around the kitchen to make up a bottle and put it in the warmer. He presses up behind him, wrapping his arms around his middle, kissing the back of his neck. “Love you,”

“You too,”

Phil smiles and walks off to Penny’s room. She’s babbling quietly to herself, squeezing the little elephant Dan had brought her in the hospital.

When she notices him, she squeals, kicking her legs. Phil scoops her up, kissing her rosy cheek as he pats her diapered bum. “Fully loaded!” He giggles as she just clings to him, happy to have him back.

He changes her smelly diaper, singing her silly made-up songs about how smelly and stinky she is before he’s got her all cleaned up and in a new onesie.

Phil runs his fingers gently through her silky blonde hair. “We’re gonna go see daddy now, darling.” He says softly, smiling down at her.

He scoops her back up and she’s quick to grab onto his floppy fringe, babbling and tugging on it. He hisses softly, but giggles as he walks out to the lounge. “She’s a strong lil’ bean,” Phil jokes as he manages to pry her fingers from his hair and cradling her.

Dan smiles at his husband and lets his eyes fall onto Penelope. “Yeah…”

Phil sits on the couch with her and grabs the warmed-up bottle from the coffee table. He cradles her against his chest and puts the bottle to her lips, letting her enjoy her dinner.

Dan watches them, his hands holding a folded-up piece of na’an. He slowly eats the bread, his eyes traced on Penelope’s small hands wrapped around Phil’s fingers that are holding her bottle. “She really loves you,” He says softly. Not out of jealousy or envy, just an observation.

“She love’s you too, y’know,” Phil smiles across the couch at him before gasping dramatically, gently chomping his teeth together as he stares at the na’an in Dan’s hands.

Dan lifts the bread to Phil’s mouth and lets him rip a bite off, giggling as it flops against his chin.

Penelope’s little hand reaches up, grabbing the na’an from her papa’s mouth and squealing around her bottle as the extra bread falls onto her belly.

Dan can’t help the belly-laugh that erupts from him as he reaches over to grab the dropped food from the baby’s tummy before she can shove it into her own mouth.

He smiles down at her, locking eyes. Dark brown staring down into bright blue. Even without the blood relation, she looks so much like Phil, it’s ridiculous.

She’s blonde, more like himself up until a few years before puberty. Maybe she’ll always keep her soft blonde hair, or maybe it’ll darken too. There’s no way to know, though, unless he sticks around. And, he almost wants to. He wants to be around for her. Wants to watch her grow and learn and become her own person, to develop her own personality. Maybe start her own family one day or change the world in some significant way.

He’ll never know, though, unless he stays. Unless he loves her.

He smiles at his husband, who’s already re-explaining the accident that just happened to the small infant as she goes back to sucking on the bottle nipple.

“I love you,” he says softly, which catches Phil off guard.

“I love you too, Dan,” He says back, his lips lifting in a goofy half-grin.

Dan shakes his head, his eyes trained on Penny. “I love _you_,” he says again in a near-whisper.

“She loves you too,”

Dan nods, taking a deep breath before he grabs a takeaway container and begins to eat.

Once Penelope was fed and burped, Phil put her on the tummy-time mat. She laid there playing with the hanging toys as he finally got to dig into his own takeaway container.

“This is so damn good,” He mumbles around a mouthful of rice and butter chicken. He reaches his fork across and grabs some food from Dan’s container. Dan lets him easily, a fond grin on his own lips as he reflects on the situation.

He’s in a beautiful city with the love of his life and a beautiful daughter. Some people aren’t so lucky. So many gay couples don’t get to adopt. Many gay couples don’t get to get married. He’s lucky, they both are.

He got extremely lucky, and he wants to grow more to learn to love and appreciate everything life gave him, even after all the hard shit he was put through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @dip-the-pip
> 
> I have decided to write one final chapter set in the future teen years, so be ready for that!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 years into parenthood, and Dan and Phil are still facing curveballs.

** _Famalam Text Thread:_ **

_u gonna be home for din Penny? – Papa_

_yeah, GSA runs until 4pm then I’ll be back – Penny_

_tacos or vegan lasagne? – Dad_

_tacos please – Penny_

_y would u even suggest vegan lasagne the cheesy cheese is the entire point of eating lasagne dad -Penny_

_how are u my child, Im ashamed of u, you cheese-loving freak -Papa_

_actually, do u think we could order dominos? – Penny_

_oh dear, did u have a rough day at school??? – Dad_

_pls can we just have it – Penny_

_of course, we’ll place the order so it’ll be here when you get home – Papa_

_thanks, love u _

_love you too sweetheart, see you in a bit – Dad_

-

Two large pizzas, a large order of wedges, some nuggets, and a cheesy garlic bread loaf for Dan and Penny to tear into while Phil watches them with cheesy-disgust fill the coffee table. Phil’s comfortable on the couch in his pyjamas, waiting for her to get home. He had spent the day drafting his third novel and hadn’t been motivated to get dressed. Dan had gotten back into pyjamas when he got home from a photoshoot modelling his new line of clothes. He was exhausted with changing outfits all day and was so happy to collapse onto the couch with his husband in the ugliest pair of pyjama pants from their gaming channel that he still had tucked away in the back of his wardrobe years later.

They’re chatting softly when Penny walks into the house, backpack slung over her shoulder as she kicks off her shoes in the pile with her fathers’ shoes.

“It smells so good,” Penny says, walking over to them and dropping onto the couch between them, cuddling into her dad’s side. Dan wraps an arm around his daughter’s shoulder, holding her to his chest like he would when she was younger after bad nightmares. He feels her relax against him, before feeling her tense up. He holds her tighter and glances over across to Phil with a concerned look.

A sob breaks the silence, and now Phil’s cuddling into their kid’s other side, brushing her short hair out of her eyes and thumbing tears away. Her hair had darkened as she got older, much like Dan had hoped. He doesn’t know how they got so lucky; their baby turned out to be so much like them.

Dan kisses her forehead, holding her closer. “What’s wrong? What happened at school?”

Another sob is torn from Penny as she clings tighter to her parents. Phil feels his eyes swell up as he looks at Dan with scared eyes. Whoever hurt their baby was-

“D-Dads…I’m a boy…” He says quietly, his small body curling in on himself more, trying to disappear between his dads.

Dan freezes. He presses his lips to his forehead and takes a deep breath. “We love you. I don’t want you to doubt for a damn second that we feel any differently about you.” Dan says quickly.

More sobs are pulled from Penny as he clings to his dad’s jumper. He reaches his other hand to hold his papa’s shaky hand.

Phil squeezes his fingers, bringing them to his lips and kissing them gently. “Dad and I love you,” Phil repeats, tears now freely rolling down his cheeks. He knew he was getting more emotional with age.

It feels like hours pass, but its only minutes later when their son sits up and wipes his eyes, looking a little like a raccoon from the smudged mascara. Dan grabs a wet-napkin from their dominos delivery and gently wipes away the black smudges. “Thank you so much for telling us,” Dan says quietly, smiling softly. “You’re right, you definitely need Domino’s tonight, huh?”

Penelope nods, wiping his eyes again, now leaning fully into Phil as Dan opens all the boxes of foods and containers of dips on the table. He tucks the cookies aside for dessert and makes up a plate of food for Penny. He hands it to him before making up a plate for Phil and then for himself.

“I wanna change my name, too…” He says quietly, picking at a bacon strip on his pizza. “But I want you guys to approve…”

Dan smiles softly, stealing a wedge from his son’s plate. “You know we will, do you have one picked out or a few?” He remembers his own identity crisis. Or crisis’. It definitely happened way more than once. Usually a few times a year he’d find himself hours and hours deep into wiki pages researching gender identities.

Many hours researching, many hours talking about it in therapy, many hours talking to his life partner about it. Luckily, he lived in a safe space now to play with his identity in private. Phil didn’t bat an eye when amazon orders would arrive with pretty blouses and bralettes and sometimes a skirt or a dress. He played around with makeup, especially when he got into fashion, and it’s something he’s learned to accept about himself without it playing into his identity. He came to terms with being a cis-male but learned to understand that he could wear makeup and pretty clothing without having to constantly question everything about himself.

Their son takes a deep breath, dipping a nugget into some BBQ sauce and popping it into his mouth. “Well, I know I don’t usually watch your old videos because you two are gross and embarrassing, but I did watch the one where…where you talked about my brother. Evan.”

Dan’s breath gets caught in his throat, and he coughs awkwardly, trying to ignore the tug in his heart. “We didn’t know you had seen that. I mean, obviously we weren’t trying to stop you, we just didn’t think you’d ever watch them.”

He nods, now dipping a wedge in another dip. “I wanna,” He take a deep breath to steady himself again. He notices his papa wipe his eyes as discreetly as possible out the corner of his eye. “I wanna be called Evan. If that’s okay with you guys, of course.” He says quietly.

Dan feels his throat tighten as he looks across to Phil, who’s eyes are shiny with unshed tears too. Their smiles both grow as they lock eyes and begin nodding. “Of course that’s okay with us. It’s who you are.”

Phil nods. “Like we said, we love you. Evan.”

Evan smiles, dimple indenting into his cheek. “I love you, dads.”

“We love you too. Now, lets eat up before it gets cold,” Dan smiles, handing the remote to Evan to let him pick something on Netflix for the family to watch.

The three of them somehow manage to finish all of the food, and within 20 minutes of being done eating, Evan is fast asleep curled up between his dads.

Dan grabs a few throw blankets for them when he gets up to grab himself a glass of wine, and a hot cup of coffee for Phil. He tucks it around Evan before settling into the couch, sipping his wine. Phil’s staring down at their sleeping son. All 3 of their eyes are red rimmed from crying so much, but it’s worth it.

The bags under Evans eyes are so dark, he looks exhausted. Their poor boy has probably been sitting on this for so long, so, so scared to accept his truth to himself, and then the fear of coming out to his dad’s. Dan wraps an arm around him as his eyes swell up with tears again.

“You okay?” Phil asks softly, reaching over to brush the hair out of Evan’s eyes.

Dan nods, sniffling and wiping his eyes. “Our poor baby…” He shakes his head, sighing. “He’s probably so tired…”

“He’s gonna be okay. He’s got the greatest dads in the world.”

“How did we not notice? Has he been struggling in silence this entire time?”

Phil shrugs, lacing his fingers with Dan’s. “I don’t know. We won’t know unless we ask him. But we gotta let him adjust to this, we can’t bombard him with all these questions yet. All we can do is offer our support and offer to help him become comfortable.”

Dan sighs heavily, squeezing Phil’s hand. “Do you think he’ll want to tell the rest of the family?”

Phil thinks to his own parents. He doesn’t see them having an issue with it. Maybe they’d have some questions, and they might not completely understand, but they’d love him regardless. Dan’s mom would be okay too, he thinks. Sure, they had their issues with her when raising their child, but she’s definitely changed over the years. Dan’s taken a lot of time to educate her on these topics anyways. Martyn, Cornelia, and Adrian would be okay with Evan without a doubt.

He shrugs. “I hope he’ll want to, but there’s no way of knowing yet.”

“I hope he isn’t afraid of coming out to them…”

“Regardless if he knows they’ll be accepting or not, it’s still a scary thing. He was terrified just to tell us and I’m sure he knew there’d be no issue with him coming out to us. It’s a scary situation no matter what.”

Dan nods, leaning over and kissing his husband softly. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Phil replies softly, smiling into the quick peck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was loosely based around the story of an old friend of mine when he came out. He had sat down with his own parents and worked with them to pick his name, since he was still their kid and thought they should have some input. But then I wanted Evan to have discovered the name on his own so!!!! that's where it's sorta different
> 
> anyways thank you for all the feedback on this fic, please check out my other fics or if you have any prompts or ideas, my ask box is always open on tumblr @dip-the-pip
> 
> The chapters from this fic are also posted on my tumblr (along with my other fics) under the tag '#kris writes trash' if you'd like to reblog any parts! 
> 
> Thank you for following along <3

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @dip-the-pip


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